It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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