clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
