walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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