Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
