So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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