he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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