just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
