at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
