Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
