just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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