the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
