i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
