There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
