Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
