Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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