so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
