please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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