I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
