One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
