You work out of a Hotel?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
