dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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