I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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