I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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