i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
