Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
