So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im holly from the hills drunk
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
