i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
