You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
