Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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