You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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