I wanna passion pit in your ass
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
