I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
