when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
