I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
