I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
