you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
