Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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