I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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