T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
