Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
