We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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