On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
