Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
