I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
