My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
