bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
