Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
