Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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