I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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