you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
