the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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