Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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